


love, love, love

by wildewallflower



Series: how they met and other stories [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, an exercise, yeah you try being the only one in your circle of friends who ships this ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 02:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4689710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildewallflower/pseuds/wildewallflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>i’m happy you’re here to see me happy, you little piece of shit </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>alternatively,</p>
<p>lexa is hellbent on making sure she’s not affected (or at the very least doesn’t show her heart is being crushed)</p>
            </blockquote>





	love, love, love

**Author's Note:**

> clarke/lincoln is really important to me. as is raven/lexa. and angst. angst is important to me too.  
> also apologies for all the grey’s references. all the mistakes are mine.

 

 

‘Lincoln’s bringing someone.’

 

Lexa stops typing the business proposal she has been planning for weeks to look at her sister’s face on the computer.

 

Anya’s face is tired (a seventeen hour surgery would do that to you) but she’s definitely happy about the fact that their brother is bringing someone to meet their mother. It would get her off their case about being married ( _or maybe just engaged, consider it darlings, you aren’t getting any younger_ ) and probably move her onto a phase where she asks Lincoln for grandchildren.

‘That’s really great. Last time we talked, he was so giddy about this Octavia person.’

 

Her big brother had fallen in love with a paramedic, who, in his own words, swears like a sailor but can probably charm their mother into donating to the zoo. (It would never happen, their mother does not like animals so they never had pets as children.)

 

Anya shakes her head. ‘It’s not Octavia. They broke up, I think.’

 

This surprises Lexa very much because the siblings told each other everything. Well, Lexa had been out of touch for the past six months, she had some deals to close, rear ends to kiss, rich old men she had to charm into investing their inherited money to her business.

 

‘Who’s he bringing?’

 

Anya’s pixelated face says that she is as clueless as Lexa was. ‘I don’t know. Probably someone from his new hospital. I figure it’s some snooty neurosurgeon that Ma will like better than you.’

 

‘Hey!’ Lexa realised it was likely and true. She chose to leave the life their mother had set out for her. She chose to _not_ be a cardiothoracic surgeon and to _not_ follow her mother’s footsteps and become the youngest department head in their hospital’s history. ‘Can you imagine what Ma would say if he brings back a resident? Or worse an intern?’  

 

Lincoln was headhunted to lead the trauma department in one of the big hospitals in the west coast. Their mother was heartbroken her favourite son had to move coasts but one puppy dog look from Lincoln and everything was okay. However, if he brings a resident or an intern home, _Ma_ would certainly throw a fit. Figuratively speaking.

 

‘Remember when you couldn’t introduce Clarke because she was still doing her residency?’ Anya immediately looks like she wanted to rewind time and take back what she said. They have nearly made it through forty minutes into their Skype session without saying the C word. ‘I am so sorry, Lex.’

 

‘It’s fine. It’s almost two years ago.’

 

Lexa is lying. Of course she is. She is not fine. She’s been holed up at work, had been on a handful of disastrous dates and occasional drinking binges over the past twenty four months because of the C word.

 

 Anya sees right through her. ‘Lex, you almost proposed to the woman. Those feelings don’t just disappear instantly.’

 

Feelings don’t disappear. Lexa can attest to that. What she used to call love and affection had devolved to mild hate and disinterest and sometimes calling her old voicemail to hear her voice. Feelings are recycled and happy memories are broken down to imitation pieces of faux joy.

 

_Thank God I am not a writer._

**_‘Thank fuck you are not a writer, you’re so much better with a scalpel than a pen’_ **

****

**_‘Shut up, Clarke.’_ **

****

**_‘You’re lucky I’m into failed writers, seeing I’m a failed artist myself.’_ **

****

‘Maybe I should bring someone.’ An idea suddenly pops into her head. She should surprise herself. _Is it still called a surprise if you planned it for yourself?_ She could find someone and maybe serendipity or destiny or whatever-the-rom-coms-are-calling-it-right-now could happen.

 

Anya laughs on the other line. ‘God, none of your index analysts, please. They are a _bore_.’

 

‘I know fun people, Anya.’ Lexa immediately checks her name card holder only to realise moments later that looking for _fun people_ in her name card holder is impossible. She has met all those people, none of them are fun.

 

‘Please, Lex. Your idea of fun _now_ involves balanced ledgers and business strategies.’

 

Lexa remembers someone she met in a conference, this woman who works at NASA. Lexa thought she seemed pretty interested and _interesting_ but she wasn’t ready yet. Finding her shouldn’t be too difficult, _how many women work at NASA anyway?_

‘Just wait, I’ll get someone fun.’

 

‘Probably in your charity bingo night, right? Good luck with that, lil sis.’

 

‘Bye, Anya.’

 

All Lexa has to search for this woman and let the universe do that rest.

***

 

Lincoln’s head is obviously somewhere else, making it difficult for Clarke to get her scrubs so she can continue with her schedule. She pinches his nose to get his attention, earning a yelp and a confused expression.

 

‘What’s that for?’  He turns on his side to face her on the very small on-call room bed. Clarke sees that he’s lying on her scrub top.

 

‘You told me to do that when you start thinking of your hot paramedic ex.’ Clarke smirks as she grabs the top and carelessly puts it back on. ‘Also, rude. I’m right here half naked, Hale.’

 

‘I thought I heard an ambulance siren.’

 

Clarke laughs, very well well-versed in the fact that sometimes every stupid thing can remind you of a former love. For her, it was soap and scalpels and hospitals (and before, even merely breathing reminded her of Lexa). It was hard but she got over it. ‘You’re a trauma surgeon. You’re always going to hear sirens. You’ll also space out then? When someone’s bleeding in front of you?’

 

‘Has anyone told you you’re pretty intense, Griffin?’

 

She stands and wears her pants and socks and running shoes before sitting beside him again. ‘I’ve been told.’

 

‘Ma will really like you.’ Lincoln stares at her in mild adoration and Clarke wonders if he’s really seeing her. ‘You’re still coming with me, right?’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Clarke haphazardly agreed to be Lincoln’s guest to his mother’s birthday celebration. ‘I mean, it’s not going to be big deal, right?’

 

‘I guess so. I’ve never really brought anyone back home to meet Ma.’ Lincoln waits for her to lose nerve and freak out but Clarke Griffin deals with women diagnosed with delicate pregnancies and their nervous wreck husband, nothing can faze her. She just smiles at him and he laughs. ‘I really like you, Griffin.’

 

‘That’s why we’re dating right now, Lincoln.’ Clarke checks her pager to see if anyone’s looking for her. No emergencies at the moment. ‘I’m uncomplicated, without baggage, really fun and hot.’

 

It took a long time, nearly two years for her to achieve such state. Clarke had to transfer residency programmes three times (three _fucking_ times) before she left all her emotional baggage and complications behind.

 

Now she’s in her final year, she’s become chief resident and Lincoln Hale is the new head of the trauma department. He doesn’t know much about her and she doesn’t care who he is and where he’s from.

 

They’re new and fun and unproblematic.

 

No potential for heartbreak here because Clarke is in control.

 

Where they eat, which movies to watch, which on call room to spend their break in.

 

Lincoln has been more than willing to let her call the shots. He confessed he has recently broken up with someone and that’s enough for Clarke.

 

He’s smart and has _good hands_ and amazing at making Clarke forget. Not that she has anything to forget, she’s baggage free.

 

‘You were the only doctor in the hospital who was not attached, one way or another.’ Lincoln winks at her then he steals light kisses on her neck. ‘We’re going in a week. My sisters are going to love you.’

 

‘Damn.’ Clarke tries to get a coherent response out but it’s really difficult because Lincoln is really distracting. She’s straddling him again and he bites his lower lip while making not so professional eyes at her. ‘Your sisters are also surgeons, yes? General and Cardio, right?’

 

‘Yeah, but L’s not really practicing right now. She’s managing her own business.’

 

Clarke thinks he said more substantial things about his siblings but right now all she cares about are his _great hands_ and how she has to pick her scrubs from the floor again.

 

 

***

 There are many things that have not worked out for Lexa.

 

That time she brought a cat home from the shelter (her mother made her return it because she was _allergic_ ), surgery (she can’t even hold a scalpel properly anymore), and Clarke (Clarke, Clarke, _Clarke)_

But sometimes the universe is kind.

 

She meets Raven in her physiotherapist’s waiting room and she was more than receptive to Lexa’s offer.

 

Raven was still interested and infinitely more interesting after they talked. They discussed about being women in the STEM field, having migrant families and overbearing parents.

 

She agreed to come with Lexa to her mother’s birthday party if Lexa would accompany her to a family reunion so she could show her off to her very, _very_ conservative family.

 

After several dinner dates and _adult sleepovers_ , they find themselves waiting for anyone to open the gates to the family villa so they could drive inside.

 

Lexa’s foot has not stop tapping since they got out of the car to wait.

 

‘Relax, we’ll be fine.’ Raven tries to reassure her by a dazzling smile and a confident tilt of the head. She walks up in front of Lexa, leaning on her cane and pinching Lexa’s nose lightly.

 

‘I don’t know,’ Lexa shakes her head and shrugging her shoulder. She could never be used to dealing with her mother. Or talking to her. Or just being in her presence in general. ‘My mother is quite the woman.’

 

Raven taps her restless foot with her cane. ‘Lexa, I am actually a _docto_ r doctor.’ A joke that Raven loves because she has double doctorate degrees in astrophysics and quantum mechanics.

 

‘All she cares about is if you’ve ever had your hands inside a body.’

 

‘Well.’ Raven reaches for Lexa’s face and nips at her lower lip with a cheeky grin on her face. ‘I have had my hands _inside_ a body.’

 

Lexa laughs, less nervously than she would normally have with the thought of anyone close to her meeting her mother. ‘Those kinds of jokes wouldn’t fly around Ma.’

 

Raven kisses her cheek and then pulls away, ‘Who cares about her? I make you laugh, that’s all that matters.’

 

Raven is speaking the truth. It is all that that matters. They are all that matters. The universe had given her a gift in the form of Raven Reyes and that is all that matters.

 

In her head and heart, that’s all that matters.

 

She wishes that was all that mattered years ago.

 

Lexa nods and takes hold of Raven’s hand as the gates open, waiting for them to drive in.

 

‘Yeah, that’s all that matters. Let’s go.’

 

Her sister, Anya is standing in the driveway, her face unreadable and stoic but she greets Raven with a smile. When she turns to Lexa, she becomes a little grim.

 

‘I see you brought a surprise. Lincoln did too.’

 

***

 

Clarke’s to do list is minimal, have brunches and dinners with Lincoln’s family, impress his mother with her brains and make his sisters fall in love with her, not literally, of course.

 

But then all that changes when she sees that his mother is Indra Hale, the chief of surgery at Mass Gen.  She would rather be delivering a preemie baby with a hypertensive mother than talk to Indra Hale without reading her most recent papers.

 

‘You didn’t tell me your mother is _the_ Indra Hale,’ she hisses at Lincoln.

 

‘You never asked? It’s not important.’

 

Clarke wants to tackle him in that moment and make his beautiful face bleed. ‘Not important? Isn’t she going to be an examiner at the boards this year?’

 

‘Probably.’ Lincoln shrugs and pulls on Clarke’s arm to lock it with his. ‘Relax. You’ll be great.’ He kisses her on the cheek and walks excitedly to the table where _Indra Hale_ is sitting.

 

‘Lincoln!’ _Indra Hale_ stands up and hugs Lincoln tightly. He hugs her back and lets go to introduce Clarke with a puppy dog grin on his face.

 

‘Ma, this is Clarke Griffin.’

 

_Indra Hale_ smiles and shakes her hand and Clarke remains still because now _Indra Hale_ knows her name.

 

‘I’m so glad you can join us, dear. Please, have a seat.’ 

 

Clarke sits beside Lincoln in the long dining table and she tries to compose herself because at any moment she might ask for his mother’s autograph.

 

‘It’s lucky that you can spare time for this, Clarke. I believe you are busy right now, with preparations for boards and whatnot.’

 

 Indra smiles at her, expecting an answer but she couldn’t get her mouth to start working.  Lincoln notices this and he holds her hand before replying.

 

‘I think Clarke is more than ready.’

 

She nods at Lincoln while taking a sip of her hot drink. Clarke deduces it’s tea. ‘Hopefully, you helped her study and weren’t a distraction, Lincoln.’

 

‘Yeah, she has the Hale method in her.’

 

‘I sincerely wish that only refers to our rigorous study techniques, son.’ Indra laughs and Clarke turns red at the suggestion.

 

‘Of course, Ma.’ He gives Clarke’s hand a gentle squeeze, encouraging her to join the conversation. However, Clarke’s brain is still processing that she just met Indra Hale and couldn’t participate yet.

 

‘Clarke is also the chief resident of her programme in the hospital.’

 

‘I remember my chief resident days. How’s it going, dear?’

 

Clarke finally finds her voice, ‘We don’t get enough surgeries for the residents. They’re like a pack of hungry wolves.’

 

‘Of course, of course.’ She nods wistfully. ‘What’s your specialty, Clarke?’

 

‘Foetal surgery. With focus on cardiothoracics.’ She finds her groove, talking about medicine and surgery and babies with faulty hearts. That’s how she will impress Indra Hale.

 

‘Very interesting. Such vision for someone so young.’ Clarke now has her full attention. _Hook, line, sinker._ ‘Why this field?’

 

**_Why this? Isn’t this too sad, Lex? Babies suffering before they’re even born._ **

****

**_That makes it even more important, Clarke._ **

****

‘Someone from long ago inspired me.’ Clarke suddenly loses her edge because she just remembered a conversation they had before _she_ left.

 

‘Inspiration does wonders. I think my daughter lost hers before she even started being an attending.’

 

‘I think L is quite inspired right now. She’s doing what she wants and she’s happy.’ Lincoln chimes in.

 

 ‘My youngest daughter was going to be a great cardio surgeon. A cardio _god,_ if I may say so. She’s always had fantastic hands and nerves of steel.’ Indra shakes her head. ‘But instead she chose to walk away and start her own biomedical business. Can you imagine?’

 

‘I can’t imagine walking away from my scalpel, Dr Hale.’

 

‘Me too, dear.’ She sighs deeply and tries on a happy tone. ‘Well, Lexa chose to do what she wants. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can.’

 

Clarke thinks she might have misheard her. ‘Lexa?’ The name leaves a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

The door gently swings open and Indra stands to greet the people who had just come in.

 

‘Speaking of the devil. The prodigal daughter returns.’  

 

It’s Lexa Woods.

 

It’s Lexa Woods getting hugged by Indra and Lincoln.

 

‘Did I just hear you refer to me as the devil, Mother?’

 

It’s Lexa’s wry voice echoing in the dining room.

 

‘You weren’t here to listen to the compliments I was showering your business venture, dear.’

 

It’s her clipped laugh that fill Clarke’s ears as she feels blood drain from her face.

 

‘I thought you’ll be a no show again, sis.’ Lincoln musses up her hair, now much longer than Clarke remembers.

 

‘I’m not missing Mother’s 55th birthday.’ It’s _her_ making a joke that no one understands. Clarke knows it’s a joke because no one else laughs but Lexa.

 

‘You say those two numbers again, I’m taking you off the will.’

 

‘Happy birthday, Ma.’ Clarke hears _her_ call Indra _‘Ma’_ and kiss her on both cheeks.  ‘I can’t wait to introduce my date, you’ll like her. Where’s _your_ date big brother?’  

 

Lincoln gestures behind her.

 

Lexa turns and catches the sight of Clarke, sitting on her family’s dining table.

 

‘Clarke?’

 

Lincoln nudges her shoulder, surprised at the recognition. ‘You know each other?’

 

‘Yes.’ Lexa slowly drawls out. She coughs, Clarke notices, a sign that she’s focusing herself. ‘Yeah, Clarke was an intern when I was at Boston General.’

 

‘Whoa,’ Lincoln walks to Clarke’s side and takes hold of her hand excitedly. ‘Maybe you can tell us how much of a horror show Lexa was back then.’

 

‘Uh,’ _Eloquent,_ Clarke thinks to herself. ‘Dr Woods was a great chief resident. Everyone loved her.’ Clarke isn’t sure of what to say so she went with the truth.

 

‘God, even then you were a fireball, L.’ Lincoln laughs.

 

‘Shut up, Linc.’

 

‘So you two are siblings?’

 

‘Yes, they are.’ Indra sits on the head of the table and Lexa takes the seat opposite Lincoln. ‘My daughter took her father’s name after the divorce.’

 

‘I _kept_ Dad’s name, mother.’ Lexa says quietly, her eyes sneaking glances at Clarke and Lincoln.

 

‘ _Which_ you did against my advisement, of course. You’ve always been head-strong, Lexa.’

 

 ‘Clarke, what Ma means is that we were given a choice which last name sounded better with our names. ’ Lincoln tries to diffuse the brewing tension between his mother and sister by explaining the situation to a clearly confused Clarke.

 

‘I see. I didn’t know Dr Woods was related to Indra Hale.’

 

‘You don’t have to call her Dr Woods, she’s not your chief resident anymore.’ Lincoln nods jovially at Lexa who just stares at Clarke as if she was a ghost.

 

‘You’re right, she’s not.’

 

_She’s not my_ anything _, anymore._

***

 

‘Sorry, I was held up.’  Anya enters the room followed by Raven, who is grinning from ear to ear. ‘Raven insisted to see Lexa’s room without distractions.’

 

‘I was promised baby pictures and I’m certain Lexa would hide the best ones before I could see them.’ Raven walks to Lexa’s side and Lexa takes her hand before introducing her to the room.

 

‘Everyone, this is Raven Reyes.’ Lexa tries to look anywhere but Clarke. Her eyes settle on her mother. She realises that’s even more uncomfortable than looking at her ex currently dating her brother.

 

‘An honour to meet you, Dr Hale.’ Raven shakes her mother’s hand and takes Lexa’s seat opposite Lincoln. Lexa rigidly plops down on the chair directly across Clarke.

 

‘And you as well, Miss Reyes.’ Her tone is even and Lexa is not sure what her mother is thinking.

 

‘Raven works for NASA, mother.’ Lexa proudly declares to the room. Anya wolf whistles with an amused expression on her face.

 

‘Fantastic. You’re an astronaut, dear?’

 

‘I was training to be until…’ Raven taps her cane lightly on the floor.

 

Indra looks at her thoughtfully. ‘Bad fall?’

 

‘Drunk driver.’ Lexa has heard the story exactly once. Raven refuses to talk more about it, regards the accident as a thing of the past and tells Lexa the future she wants to make for herself is all that matters now.

 

‘I’m so sorry, dear.’

 

Raven shrugs and she smiles at everyone. ‘It’s fine. They can’t get rid of me that easily. My department oversees ships before they go to missions. We make sure they’re space-worthy.’

 

‘Amazing.’ Lincoln murmurs with amazement. Clarke’s face is unreadable. She’s not frowning in concentration, she usually does that when she’s trying to stay present in the conversation. Her eyes are blank and glassy, like she’s not there but reliving some memory from long ago.

 

‘Enough about me, this weekend is all about Dr Hale.’

 

‘Babe, maybe you can tell us more about L during your internship.’ Lincoln reaches for Clarke and that breaks her train of thought. Lexa could see she was speechless and unsure of what to say so she decides to step in.

 

‘Clarke was a really good intern. Top of her class. Was never late to rounds. Always answered her pages.’ Lexa wants to kick herself over how robotic all of that sounded. However, that was the best she could do. She couldn’t say how Clarke cared so much for her patients, how hard she studied until late every night and about that one time she refused to leave the hospital even though she had the flu and was put on forced leave.

 

‘Slow down there with the fiery review, Lex.’ Anya cuts in. ‘Shall we eat?’

 

They are served with a hearty meal but Lexa still finds it difficult to hold on tightly to things (pun intended) so she could only eat the salad and some soup.

 

‘Lexa, you’re not eating?’ Indra notices and points it out. Her siblings and Clarke all look at her.

 

‘Soup counts as food, mother.’

 

Raven quickly comes to her rescue. ‘She likes it better when I feed her. Come on, babe. This steak is amazing and it’s rude not to even try some.’ She cuts up a piece and carefully holds it up for Lexa to eat.

 

‘Thank you, Raven.’ Lexa says quietly. ‘It is delicious.’

 

‘Anytime.’ Raven kisses her on the cheek and proceeds to put smaller pieces of food on her plate.

 

Lunch goes on without any further complications, Anya and Lincoln give updates about their jobs, Clarke tells them about assisting on a Siamese twin surgery and Raven told them about the prep she’s doing for a coming space launch.

 

Afterwards, their mother retires to her office to look over some work emails and both Lincoln and Anya get coerced by (or willingly assists) Raven in uncovering all of their childhood photos.

 

Lexa finds Clarke at the balcony overlooking the beach, staring at waves, deep in her thoughts.

 

‘Clarke…’ Lexa feels her name echo inside her ears and it takes all her effort to not cry. Clarke’s demeanour, to her credit, does not change but she offers Lexa a slight nod of acknowledgement.

 

‘What we were…’ Lexa starts to explain but she doesn’t know where she’s headed. Clarke interrupts her.

 

‘Fuck you.’ Clarke turns to face her. Her eyes set on Lexa’s, angry and resolute. With her voice steady, she continues, ‘We were amazing together. We were going to save babies with faulty hearts together. Turns out you were the child with the problematic heart.’

 

Clarke talks about their dream and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder how far their research would be now if she had stayed.

 

‘I deserve that.’ Lexa knows she deserves some more curse words, maybe even a slap or two.

 

‘You deserve nothing from me. You just walked away after telling me it’s over.’ Clarke’s lower lip is shaking, a tell-tale sign that she’s about to cry. But she doesn’t. ‘You quit medicine. You disappeared from my life without any notice. I’m happy you’re here to see me happy, you piece of shit.’

 

‘I’m glad you’re happy, Clarke.’ Lexa has never spoken truer words. All she wished Clarke is happiness. She has let go of the notion she could ever give that to Clarke.

 

‘I figured your family is conservative and closed off, that’s why you never introduced me to them. You brought Raven here. Your mother did not implode because her daughter is seeing a woman.’ Her voice cracks and Lexa remembers that is one of Clarke biggest fears. That she is never good enough. ‘In truth, you were ashamed of me. Maybe you should have introduced us, then I wouldn’t have slept with your brother.’  

 

Clarke laughs as she tries to brush off her tears. Lexa loved (loves) her laugh.

 

‘You still laugh weird, Clarke.’

 

‘Shut up.’

 

***

 

After her conversation with Lexa, Clarke hurries into her assigned room and lays on the bed to stare at the ceiling. She thinks it’s opposite Lincoln’s room but she’s not really sure because their house is huge.

 

Then she remembers that Lincoln is _Lexa_ ’s brother.

 

_Can this get any worse? I have slept with two of Indra Hale’s three children._

 

Soft knocks interrupt Clarke’s thoughts. She straightens up before saying, ‘Come in.’ She musters enough strength to actually say words.

 

Anya walks in with a small smile. ‘Hi, Linc said I should check up on you, he says you rarely missed any kind of drinking session.’

 

Leaning against the headboard, Clarke fails to return her smile. ‘Sorry, I just…’ 

 

Anya sits on the edge of the bed and pats Clarke’s foot. ‘My sister’s an idiot.’

 

‘What?’ _Does she know?_

 

‘You’re clearly a catch.’ Anya nods and continues, ‘No disrespect to Raven, but obviously, you’re more her type.’

 

‘Did Lexa tell you?’ Saying her name makes Clarke’s throat go dry.

 

‘She did, years ago. When you guys first met, when you had your first actual date, your first surgery together, all that.’

 

Clarke doesn’t know how to reply to that. After she had just made the point that Lexa told no one in her family about _them_ even though they were together for four years, Anya crushes that theory within fifteen minutes.

 

‘I thought she never…’

 

‘Well, not Ma. She would have been scandalised she’s not with someone older and more experienced. In medicine. I think Lex told Dad before? I haven’t talked to him in months so I can’t really confirm this.’

 

Clarke must have had a helpless expression on her face because Anya goes on, her tone kind and soft. ‘My sister loves you and wanted to make you happy because you made her so happy.’

 

‘Why’d she leave?’ She asks Anya the question that she’s scared to ask Lexa.

 

‘She’s got to be the one who tells you that, Clarke. I don’t even know.’ Anya shakes her head in sad amusement. ‘What I do know is that she wanted to propose just before her fellowship ended but then she quit and left and is now doing God knows what.’

 

Clarke remembers how Lexa loved romantic gestures, the small ones, coffee before rounds, hand holding in the OR gallery, being tricked into Clarke’s scrubs. Those are the memories that keep haunting Clarke because of how much she missed them ( _her_ ).

 

_Fuck._

_Remember it took more than a year to get over her, get a hold of yourself, Griffin_

‘I’m with Lincoln.’ Clarke says it again to make sure _she_ (Clarke) hears it. ‘I’m together with Lincoln now.’

 

‘And Lincoln is an amazing person. I think he really likes you.’ Anya stands up and goes to the door. ‘But I know someone, who has told me _a million times_ before _,_ that they love you.’

 

‘She left me.’

 

‘Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, Clarke. You’re a doctor, you have to ask the right questions to get the right answers.’

 

***

 

Lexa moves to her room in the other end of the house, far away from Lincoln’s room (and Clarke’s), while trying to arrange the mess inside her head.

 

Lexa enjoys planning. She plans everything she does. She plans the same way she did when she was seven and was in-charge of completing the Woods-Hale chore chart.

 

She thinks about the future a lot. Before, she thought a lot about her future with Clarke. _Surgery, marriage, even children._

Now, all she thinks are her business plans and her physio appointments.

 

That is easier.

 

Being selfish and taking hold of your own happiness is a lot easier than having your heart and happiness and joy in the palm of one person.

 

Lexa pauses at the thought of _holding her happiness_ when she couldn’t even properly handle her knife and fork to eat her mother’s steak.

 

‘God, you’re thinking so loud I could hear you from the other side of the door.’ Raven walks into the room, grinning from ear to ear, likely filled with stories from her childhood courtesy of her siblings.

 

‘Seen enough baby pictures of me yet?’

 

‘There are not enough Lexa baby pictures in the world to satisfy me. You used to be so shiny and happy, what the hell happened, babe?’

 

Lexa raises her left arm and makes a claw-like gesture at Raven, who is wholly amused at the motion.

 

‘Aww, is that you trying to give me the finger? Good distal phalange movement, babe. High-five!’ Raven comes closer, striding quickly and offering her hand up high for Lexa to slap.

 

‘Screw you.’ Lexa slides to the foot of the bed and leans against her old bedframe.  

 

‘Sorry.’ Raven sits beside her slowly and rests her head against Lexa’s shoulder. ‘That looked like an intense conversation with your brother’s date.’

 

‘She’s his girlfriend.’

 

‘Good for Lincoln. They’re cute together.’

 

Lexa takes a deep breath and leans on Raven’s head before continuing. ‘She’s _the_ ex I was talking about.’

 

‘With a capital T? The one you’re not over, even now?’ Raven doesn’t move and just stays immobile but Lexa could tell with the change of pitch in her voice that she’s surprised.

 

‘The very one.’  

 

‘So you’re thinking of breaking them up and pissing off your brother and mother at the same time? Where do I sign up?’ Raven says gleefully, knocking her walking stick on Lexa’s foot.

 

‘Wait, why would that piss my mother off?’

 

Lexa could feel Raven shrug her reply. ‘Well, she’s clearly invested in them, she likes Clarke and thinks she’s great for Lincoln.’

 

Lexa scoffs at the notion. ‘We had one lunch together. You didn’t have more than an hour with the three of them in the same room.’

 

‘I’m a scientist. I observe.’ Raven laughs and lightly bops Lexa’s forehead with the back of her hand. ‘I work with heavenly bodies and multi-million dollar spacecrafts. People are easy. You used to be a surgeon, shouldn’t you be adept at diagnosing people?’

 

‘Well, I’m great at reading ECGs. I have mediocre bedside manner because I usually like my patients limp and sedated.’

 

‘Kind of how you like your men.’ Raven quips and now it is Lexa’s turn to not so gently pat Raven’s head.

 

‘Shut up.’

 

‘Look, whatever you decide, I’m in. I promise. That’s how much I like you as a “friend”.’ She makes a gagging sound. ‘Just make sure you make your butt available for my family reunion because I swear to Neil deGrasse Tyson, I will not go there alone.’ Raven kisses her on the cheek and stands with a sudden burst of energy.

 

‘I may need to speak with Lincoln. And Ma.’ Lexa tries and fails to repress a groan with the thought of speaking to her mother for an extended period of time.

 

‘I think you should postpone that and come to the beach with us first.’

 

‘I have to plan what I’ll say. You go on without me.’ Lexa smiles at her and Raven returns it with a pout.

 

‘Okay, but plan well because I’m _planning_ to sleep here tonight and not do any _sleeping_.’ With those words and a bunch of _not_ non-suggestive winks, Raven is gone.

 

Again, Lexa is left alone.

 

With her messy thoughts and a non-existent plan.

 

She crawls up to her bed and recites surgical procedures she had done and passes out into sleep.

 

***

 

Clarke finds Lincoln in his room, reading a journal on his bed. This reminds her of the first time they met, he was reading his call schedule and she was assigned by their chief of surgery to show him around.

 

‘Hey, we missed you just now.’ He puts down the journal and pats the other side of the bed for her to sit. ‘That Raven person is alright. Anya and I really had fun with her.’

 

She takes a deep breath before saying what’s on her mind. ‘We need to talk.’ Clarke quickly reaches out to hold his hand.

 

Lincoln leans back on the bed, on his pillows without letting go. ‘That’s never a good sign. What happened?’

 

‘Why did you and the paramedic break up?’ Clarke has never asked him this, she has never been interested in knowing but what Anya said resonated with her.

 

He seems surprised but indulges her anyway. ‘Well, after I accepted this job, the long distance thing, what it would mean for our relationship, her insane schedule, my insane schedule...’

 

Clarke has never seen Lincoln be more incoherent. He is usually to the point and clear and concise and talking about his ex brings up a different side of him.

 

‘Was that it?’

 

He nods and looks away.

 

‘Not because you didn’t love each other anymore?’

 

‘Hell no. It just made sense, you know. Any other thing would have been impractical and stupid.’

 

She recognises that logic, that reasoning. She understands it and has even applied to her life. She wonders if this is the same thought process Lexa used when she broke up with her.

 

‘We love each other very much and decided it was the right thing to do because we deserve better.’

 

There is a part of Clarke that just wants to comfort Lincoln at that moment but considering what she would be telling him next, she should save her comforting hug for the end of this conversation.

 

  ‘I used to date your sister. We were together for four years then we broke up and now I’m here and she’s here and you’re here.’

 

Quick and painless. Just like Clarke has been taught in school.

 

Except it’s not and since they split, anything concerning Lexa never went away quickly and is almost always painful.  

‘So Lexa is that person you’re trying to forget?’

 

Clarke nods stiffly as she keeps a tight grip on Lincoln’s hand.

 

‘Then you’re probably part of the reason why she’s always running away.’

 

Clarke doesn’t know how to respond to that. The Lexa she knew never ran away from anything. Then again, she didn’t think Lexa would ever leave her and look at what happened.

 

‘Do you still have feelings for her?’ Lincoln just shakes his head and doesn’t wait for an answer. ‘That was a stupid question, of course you do.’

 

He sighs, Clarke senses his resignation and she want to quell his bubbling despair immediately.

 

‘The real question is do you want to get back together with her? You said she left you, if Lexa were here, right now, asking you to take her back, would you?’

 

Clarke knows the answer to this question. She has conditioned her mind and her heart, well, it would take many more years but she’s resolute.

 

‘No, I won’t.’

 

***

 

‘That was quite a long nap, you missed dinner and Raven giving an impromptu presentation about how well she perform as an astronaut with a metal brace on her leg.’

 

Lexa has not slept this long since, well, since she left Clarke and was perfectly fine with not getting up and just staying in bed all day and doing nothing because her once happy life just ended.

 

‘Sorry, Ma.’ Her voice sounds garbled in her head and she imagines her mother looking at her in glee. ‘Where’s everyone? Where’s Raven?’

 

‘Sleeping. She’s in the other guest room. It’s two am.’

 

‘Why are you awake?’

 

‘I’m still on doctor hours. Plus, I brought you a sandwich.’

 

Lexa sits up and her room and her mother come into focus. ‘Thank you.’ She really is hungry and rather thirsty.

 

‘The water’s on your side table.’

 

Lexa always thought her mother is psychic and could access her thoughts and when she was younger, it really scared her.

 

She tries to reach for the water with her left hand and then changes her mind because she might let go of the glass and surely her mother doesn’t know she only uses plastic utensils now, including cups and plates because she can’t handle delicate things anymore.  

 

‘Is it neurological?’ Her mother asks, staying perfectly still in the darkness of Lexa’s room.

 

‘Excuse me?’

 

‘Your hand.’

 

She obviously knows and Lexa finally relents and tells her. ‘No, it’s not. It’s muscular dystrophy.’

 

‘I see. Who gave the diagnosis?’ Lexa almost rolls her eyes because it is her mother’s way to make sure some incapable intern or resident didn’t misdiagnose her.

 

‘The chief at Boston General. He says it not genetic and environmental or affected by any specific factor. Just really bad luck at the lottery.’

 

‘Have you gotten any treatment?’ Suddenly, the line of questioning feels like they’re coming from a doctor you’re asking a second opinion of.

 

‘Yes, Dr Jackson recommended an excellent physiotherapist. I’ve been in his care for the past two years.’

 

‘How’s that going?’

 

‘Well, in our most recent session, I was able to hold a stress ball for more than three minutes.’

 

‘Lexa.’ Her mother’s voice becomes soft and she’s not sure how to react to that. All her life, all she saw and learnt from her mother is how to never be vulnerable and never let anything get to you because it will hinder your work.

 

‘I’m fine, Ma.’ Lexa says with finality and she hopes that is enough.

 

‘What about Clarke then?’

 

She’s glad it’s dark so that her mother could not see the look of terror probably spreading on her face. _Is she really psychic?_

‘I called your father to ask about your hand’s condition. And he mentioned you were seeing someone called Clarke before. By accident, he didn’t mean to divulge that information. He just said you were much happier when you were with Clarke.’

 

The information overload happening inside Lexa’s head doesn’t usually happen. Her mother calling her father to _ask_ and _talk_ about her, her mother finding about her hand, about Clarke, her _mother_ actually talking to her _father_.

 

‘You’re just like your father.’ Her mother starts speaking again after minutes of letting Lexa soak all that information in.

 

_No, I’m not._

‘Yes, you are. You’re think you’re like me and that scares you but you’re like your father about everything.’ Indra does not stand to sit beside Lexa to comfort her or console her. She speaks as she would in a surgery brief or a meeting. ‘You both love the people you love too much.’

 

‘You say that like it’s a bad thing.’

 

‘No, it’s not. I _love_ that about you. I _love_ that about your father. But love is never always enough.’  

 

Her mother continues, ‘When I asked your father for the divorce papers, he agreed because he wanted me to be happy. I’m assuming you broke up with Clarke, from the top of my head, because you didn’t want to worry her, to _inconvenience_ her, because of your illness and what it would mean for both of your surgical careers. I read your old papers about foetal cardiothoracic surgeries. You thought she would stop the research you were doing because it would be too painful to continue. You loved her too much to do that to her.’

 

‘What do you know about love?’

 

Indra actually laughs.  ‘Perhaps a little bit more than you, Lexa.’

 

Lexa isn’t sure what to say. She thought all that mattered to her mother was them following her into medicine and being successful and _that is all._

 

Since her parents had separated, she found herself creating an unseen distance with her mother. A literal one if you count the year where she didn’t come home for any of the holidays, giving the excuse that the business is keeping her busy.

 

‘What I have always taught you and your siblings is that you should work hard on the things worth fighting for. If you have to be selfish, so be it. If you have to get hurt, take the pain head on.’

 

‘When did you ever become a psychologist?’

 

Lexa could feel her mother is smiling with the sound of her voice. ‘I had my psych rotation too. You owed it to Clarke to decide before. Now, you owe her the truth and an apology, Lexa.’

 

‘I’m not sorry she’s happy and living her dream. She’ll pass her boards and become an amazing surgeon.’ Lexa is adamant about the part where Clarke stays happy. She can imagine how angry she will be knowing Lexa didn’t inform her about the choices she made back then.   

 

‘That’s exactly what your father said to me. Paraphrased, of course.’ Indra stands and sits on the edge of Lexa’s bed. ‘You shouldn’t be terrified of becoming like me. We couldn’t be more different. I would have gone insane if I lost surgery. I’m very proud of you.’

 

Indra kisses her on the forehead and pats her hair. ‘Go back to sleep and when this weekend is over, I’ll have my head of neuro and ortho look over your file for their opinions.’

 

‘Thank you, Ma.’

 

***

 

The party is already well on its way when Clarke notices Lexa staring at her from the other side of the room.

 

Next to her, leaning slightly on Lexa, is Raven, who Clarke has seen to be an outstanding Jenga player and a great person to be around with overall. They seem to be deep in conversation and she cannot help but wonder if it involves her because Lexa’s gaze has not moved for five minutes now.

 

Raven spots her looking and offers an enthusiastic wave which Clarke returns quickly. Lexa gives her a solemn nod.

 

‘Lexa talked to me.’ Lincoln walks towards her from the bar and hands her a drink.

 

Clarke nearly chokes on her drink.  ‘When?’

 

‘This morning. She told me everything.’

 

 Clarke is not expecting any of this. Mostly, she just thought everything would be forgotten and go away so she and Lincoln could do back to their baggage free bliss. 

 

‘Well, she told me about her ex and this crazy hot doctor man she’s dating now. That last part is not verbatim.’ Lincoln leans in to kiss her on the cheek. ‘Told her I would beat him up for making my baby sister sad and in all seriousness, told her that you make all the decisions regarding your life. She agreed.’

 

‘That seems…’ Clarke finds it almost funny, how congenial they are, how understanding and how willingly they let go of what has happened. Clarke wouldn’t know anything about that, Griffins knew how to hold a grudge to the grave. ‘Perfectly reasonable.’

 

‘She wants to talk to you, by the way. If you’d oblige her.’

 

***

 

‘I still say grovelling works.’ Raven continues to give her suggestions over what to say to Clarke when the latter agrees to hear her out.

 

‘I’m not asking her to take me back. I will just explain the situation and apologise.’ Lexa calmly keeps her composure when she sees Clarke notice that she’s staring. Raven readily waves at her. Lexa nods, because that’s all she’s capable of at the moment.

 

‘Profusely!’ Raven says along with her wave.

 

‘I will apologise profusely.’

 

‘For being an idiot and breaking her heart over a boo-boo.’ Raven pokes her cheek as she continues to lean against her. She decided not to bring her cane because it’s clashing with her dress.

 

‘It’s not a boo-boo, my muscles are degenerating.’ Lexa loves how Raven could make her problems seem so simple. ( _Loves)_

 

‘Same difference. We all have problems. Find a solution to solve yours.’

 

***

They are sitting in the balcony quietly, letting the white noise coming from the party fill the silence that either of them cannot break.

‘Clarke.’ Lexa raises her good hand to stop Clarke from talking. It’s her turn to talk.

 

‘I am sorry for leaving you years ago without an explanation. Now, I’m giving you one. Just before I started my new job as an attending, I noticed I was losing proper grip with my left hand. I get tremors and they kept getting worse until I could barely hold anything properly.’

 

Lexa lifts her left hand and tries to ball her fist and is unable to do so. With a sigh, she goes on. ‘I had to decide quickly and it was for the best that I stop practicing surgery. I had to stop doing our research. And I had to leave you.’

 

‘It’s not selfless or kind. I was selfish because I didn’t want you to give up on our dream just because I can’t pursue it anymore.  I knew you would do it willingly. That’s how kind you are. But what we were working on was very important to me.’

 

Clarke finds her voice. ‘More important than _us_?’

 

Lexa expects Clarke to be angrier, to be livid, for hiding something that important. But all she could is from Clarke’s expression is sadness and understanding.

 

‘In that moment, yes. Now, I realise how wrong I was. I am so sorry for hurting you. I apologise profusely, with all my heart.’

 

‘I’m with Lincoln now.’

 

‘He’s very lucky, as are you. My brother is an amazing man.’

 

‘You’re with Raven, who’s fucking awesome.’

 

Clarke reaches to hold Lexa’s hand, her faulty hand. Clarke sees that she’s unable to hold her back so she gently folds Lexa’s fingers one by one and covers their loosely clasped hands with her other hand. They sit there, gripping each other’s hand, maybe praying for a miracle of sorts, one where they go back in time and they were together and they were happy. Or maybe just looking forward to the future, with the possibility of holding each other’s hand for longer.

 

‘Someday.’

 

‘Someday.’

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i was not expecting that to end so amicably.   
> comments are appreciated. thank you for reading!


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